Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
