Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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