yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize