the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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