you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
