I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
