I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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