I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
