It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
