Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
