so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Vodka?
Forever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
