I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Someone shattered a urinal.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.