i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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