Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
