She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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