I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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