I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
