Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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