This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
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Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
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I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex