Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk