Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?