i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
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I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
15 Times â€śFlight of the Conchordsâ€ť Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...