Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
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he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever