This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.