I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"