i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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