my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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