my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
