you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
