Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
