We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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