can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
