She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
