I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name