No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack