Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i now understand why vodka
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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