He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
