Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
