Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
