He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
