Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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