she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.