I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys