grinding to god bless the USA? really?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.