I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm too high and old for this...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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