how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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