ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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