i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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