And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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