Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
