I just cut my nipple shaving
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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