idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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