im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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