at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize