the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this