I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile