i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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